What, Exactly, Are Cats..???

 

    1. Cats do what they want, when they want.

    2. They rarely listen to you.

    3. They're totally unpredictable.

    4. They whine when they are not happy.

    5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.

    6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

    7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.

    8. They're moody.

    9. They leave their hair everywhere.

    10. They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are small women in fur coats.

Meals On Wheels

 

Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful -- she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way -- but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on. The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth. The earth was no better for them than it was the cat. They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.

One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful. The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.

Lost In West Virginia Memories

 

A reporter goes to the hills of West Virginia to research an article about the area. He meets an old man and asks him about memorable moments in his life.

"Well," says the old man, "one time my favorite sheep got lost. Me and my neighbors got some moonshine and went looking for it. We finally found the sheep. Then, we finished the moonshine and wound up screwing the sheep. It was a lot of fun."

The reporter asks for another story.

"Well," says the old man, "one time my neighbor's pig got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We finally found the pig. Then, we finished the moonshine and screwed it. Now that was a lot of fun."

The frustrated reporter tells the old man that he can't write articles about these stories and asks if he has any sad memories he can talk about.

The old man says "Well, one time I got lost... ."